Handshakes

2.1/10

The goldilocks principle personified

Thing’s handshakes need to improve on:

• Stop altogether.
• Just don’t touch me.
• A simple bow does the trick.

If there’s anything to learn from COVID-19, it’s that social distancing is the best thing to ever happen in our society. Physically being near someone meant people could die, and for socially awkward beings like myself, this was a win-win.

Handshakes. They’re awkward, useless and a fantastic way to spread disease. Your grandfather would commonly say something along the lines of:

“You can judge a man by his handshake.”

Given that my wrist is prone to chronic cracking, many people have judged me to have the strength of a Barbie doll. While this may be true, I’ve had to resort into a de-cracking ritual before any event to fully gain the trust of my older, somewhat leathery peers.

Aside from the personal issue of my body sounding like a glow-stick during any form of physical contact, handshakes commonly go wrong. An example would be holding the hand out for entry and the thumb missing that ‘sweet spot’ by a hairs breadth, causing a catastrophic failure in the process. Something mission control at NASA have yet to find a solution for and probably never will.

This immediately prompts an unofficial grab of what is now a limp fish and the subtle stare into each other’s eyes. The intense feeling of shame flushes over your face as your ancestors look down in disbelief. Where did you go wrong in life?

Push away the fear of embarrassment and we open a new door, germs. From what I’ve been told, people do everything with their hands. Cooking, cleaning, picking, wiping, and eating. It’s all happening on the train to hand town and I for one did not buy a ticket.

I’ll still be using the COVID excuse in the year 2030.

TAH.